A month of changes

God has been so good to us during this season of changes. Liam being in school was always a bad idea when we first considered it and having a team on board that thought he could do it along with the positive changes we saw take place in Liam over the last year brought us to the decision that we should try it.

I am truly ecstatic to see Liam loving it. Liam only goes 3 1/2 hours a day and last week when I picked him up, wheeled him out to the truck, and opened his door, he started crying. He had full on tears with the rumpled up face. Liam pretty much never cries so I asked him if he was upset about leaving school and if he wanted to go back inside. He immediately stopped crying and looked at me. I told him he could have five more minutes and I wheeled him back inside where we surprised everyone by showing back up.

The staff was so happy to hear the story and it makes this momma's heart glad to know that he loves being there as much as he does and they love having him there. To know that your child is loved on by others is such a gift and when dealing with the needs Liam has, it's a special soul that looks past it all and loves on him anyway. Honestly, we have been truly blessed to have a lot of caring people in Liam's life, from church, to friends, to school, Liam's challenges have been overlooked by many an adult and they have loved on him in spite of them.

Math lesson

Circle time around the board for math

Liam's awesome one to one mentor Ronnie. He LOVES her.

I had Liam's annual IEP yesterday and it went really well. I think the goals they have are well thought out and the amount of interaction between therapists looks promising. One of the biggest changes for us is that because of Liam's success in the room and his desire to be there we are increasing his time to 4 hours 15 min a day.  Liam will start his day at 8:45 and end at 1:00.  I am really happy about the increase because when I would pick Liam up at 12:30 he would be in the middle of the math lesson and I always feel bad about having him leave before it's over. I would be taking him out of the circle and interrupting his lesson. It's probably part of the reason he got so upset at me the other day.

 

Liam's stamped tree

Liam was really proud of this cat mask.  He chose brown ears and the orange for the face and whenever I talk to him about it he just grins his silly grin. His teacher wasn't sure he really wanted brown because everyone else was choosing black but he told her twice that that was what he wanted and I think he's super proud of himself for making his own choices and seeing the results of it. 

Liam is having a great time. He's learning a lot. He's engaged with his teachers, therapists, and peers and he loves being there.  I'm so grateful for the support we are receiving and for the mentor God provided. It's truly been a wonderful season of change.

Not my way.

I've been asked before if I have ever been angry at God for taking two of my children from me.  I can honestly answer that with a no.  I have never been angry at God for it. At least I don't think I have been. Have I ever questioned His reasons, doubted what the purpose was, asked how He could think of doing such a thing, spun circles in confusion wondering how I was supposed to deal with the fallout?  I have absolutely asked those questions. For years I have asked those questions and more. But I have never been angry at God for taking them.

I have heard our pastor talk about getting your frustrations out with God. He says it's ok to shout and rail against God because he knows what you are thinking anyway. He knows how you feel so it's ok to vent to him. He already knows when you are mad at him. And in our pastors wise opinion it's ok to shout it out at him because when you are already feeling that way, you might as well say it out loud and get it over with so you can move on.

I've never really been angry though. I have thought about this over the years and wondered if it was just something I didn't have in me. Was I afraid to be mad at God? Was I afraid of his reaction? Was I afraid I wasn't allowed to be angry?

I don't think any of those things are it. I just think I could never get mad at God when I didn't have any thing to do with bringing those babies to creation. I didn't create them, God did. He gave them to me and it was his right to take them away. It's sounds facetious but it's true. He didn't even had to give me the priveledge of being pregnant.  I actually feel lucky that I have been so blessed with being able to get pregnant easily. Some people would unwittingly take that for granted but I personally know women who don't get that privilege and I am grateful to be able to have that experience, even though they ended in such pain and heartache. I am grateful that I know one day I will see my sweet children again.

Do I wish things were different and that I could have my missing babies with me? Absolutely, I do. And do I wish I had never felt the pain of burying my own children? Without a doubt it's the hardest thing I've ever done. No matter how old they are, a parent always wants their children to outlive them. Do I get frustrated with the journey I've been on and continue down? Of course I do. But I don't ever get angry at God for it. My sweet children were all created with value, purpose, and a divine soul. No matter how short their earthly existence, they were here for a reason and they continue to live on now with God. Getting angry at him for taking them, when He created them and whom I will eventually see again, just doesn't seem right to me.

I'm not speaking about this expecting any one else to feel like me. Everyone feels and reacts differently to situations and being angry is a normal human emotion. If you are angry at God over something, there's no shame or harm in that. Let it all out. Tell God what you're thinking. He knows it anyway and you can breath a bit easier knowing you got everything off your chest. Trust me...God can take it. ;)

What a week!

Ready to go!

First day of school smiles!

Liam started Kindergarten!

I can't believe it.

I really never thought he would be capable of being in a school setting with the challenges he faces. I know the schools are supposed to help accomodate as best they can but with Liam's severe vomiting coupled with his multiple disabilities, school didn't seem like a good idea, ever. Not only that, I don't enjoy watching other children stare at my son. I'm used to it and I understand why it happens, but I still don't enjoy it. So having him in that environment was not my ideal.

But as Liam grew older and his desire to learn along with our knowledge of his abilities came the realization that maybe being in school would be good for him.  Shawn was not on board as he is felt the way I did; school was just not the best place for a child with so many issues and taunting/teasing about his challenges was not something we as parents want to endure on his behalf. 

At the big meeting at the end of last school year it was determined we would give it a go and Liam would attend for 3 1/2 hours a day, from 9-12:30. 

I was scheduled to stay for 90 minutes the first day but ended up staying the whole time. It worked out well because I was able to show his one-to-one all the fun things he likes to do and I got to know her pretty well.
She's very attentive, loves working with Liam, and will be right there to help him the entire time.

The second day I dropped him off and when I walked away it dawned on me that I had never left Liam like that before. He's been left with family or close family friends before but I've never left him with what are essentially strangers. I've never even been allowed to leave him when he has therapy.

I almost had no idea what to do with myself for the 3 1/2 hours.

The day must have gone fabulous because when I picked Liam up he got mad at me when I went to put him in his care seat. He fought me and arched out of his seat. I couldn't figure out what he was doing and why when it hit me that he might be upset about having to leave school. I told him he would be able to go back again tomorrow and he settle down in the seat.  Next day, he did the same thing when I picked him up. By the end of the week he was adjusting to his schedule and wouldn't get upset when we left.

He finished out his first week a huge success. No vomiting and minimal drooling. Yay!!

Last night, however, he started coughing in the middle of the night and he is now running a fever. It's been a concern of mine about how he would do this school year with the exposure to all the new viruses. He's always been a very healthy guy with only 1 or 2 colds a year. And here we are the first week in and he's already sick. =(

I am really excited for the routine and structure for Liam because it's really going to help him with his skills but if he gets sick a lot it will affect his outcomes.

So here's praying for a healthy, positive, and productive year for this awesome little man!